


The Art of Letting Go

by yelir



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Anyways, I Tried, Jonathan Toews - Freeform, Oops, Other, Patrick Kane - Freeform, alrighty then i think i'm done, in which jonny is gone and patrick misses him a whole lot, its kind of like a timeline of the inner turmoil of kaners mind i guess idek have fun, oh and patrick starts to move on, oh and they were in a relationship, should i mention that, spoiler alert jonathan toews is dead, well not totally move on i mean, yeah it's sad I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yelir/pseuds/yelir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jonny is gone and Patrick misses him a whole lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Letting Go

It's 3am on a Thursday morning and Patrick can't sleep because the left side of the bed is cold and there's only one coat draped across the chair across the room and it's quiet, too quiet, and all Patrick can think about is how much he'd give to have back the noise.

And then it's 2pm on a Friday afternoon and Patrick's just staring into empty space because he only made one cup of coffee this morning instead of two and the window is open when it used to always be closed and there's only one set of shoes by the front door, which is never opened because no one stops by anymore.

And when the phone rings on Saturday Patrick sends it straight to voicemail because he doesn't want to talk to anyone, he doesn't want to talk to anyone except for the person he'd give anything to talk to again.

 

On Monday Patrick thinks it's warm outside because of the sunlight filtering in through the windows but it's actually 28 degrees and a light layer of snow covers the ground and Patrick really wants to build a snowman but he doesn't remember how and suddenly he's not sure what to do with his hands.

And on Tuesday Sharpy stops by and asks how Patrick's doing and Patrick says he's doing alright and they go out for dinner and Sharpy insists on paying. "When are you coming back?" Sharpy asks him and Patrick tells him that he's not really sure, that Patrick's not really sure of anything anymore.

It's Wednesday and Patrick's showering and he realizes that there's only one shampoo bottle on the shelf when there used to be two and suddenly his throat closes up and he goes and lies down on the couch and takes a nap.

 

The clock strikes midnight and Patrick's not sure if it's defined as Thursday or Friday but he does know that he misses Jonny a whole lot, he misses his eyes and his jawline and the way his lips moved when he spoke and the life lines on his hands that Patrick traced so many times.

And when Saad shows up on Sunday and takes him to the rink Patrick feels a little bit lost because he's not used to lacing up his skates without Jonny's knee bumping into his.

 

It takes three weeks of practices before Patrick's legs don't feel numb anymore when he steps on the ice and he's settling back into the flow and the others don't let him spend much time alone anymore, they don't give him as much room to think. Patrick doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

But what Patrick does know is that when he's driving down the street his hands shake and he takes extra time at stop signs and he likes to sit in the parking lot before he climbs out of his car and just listen to his radio as he tries to remember what Jonny's laugh sounded like.

 

When Patrick wakes up he likes to roll over and look at the pillow next to his and he closes his eyes and pretends he's waking up to Jonny's smile and tired eyes instead of the emptiness that seems to greet him everywhere he goes.

And then it's his first game back and they have a ceremony with clips and pictures of Jonny on the screen hung above the arena and Patrick's cheeks are wet but he keeps his fists clenched inside his gloves and he doesn't scream like he thought he would. And they wear the number 19 on their helmets and Patrick asks if he can wear Jonny's gloves and even though they're a little bit too big the managers let him.

And Patrick scores and someone asks him if he scored for Jonny and Patrick tells them he did, but he's not totally sure.

And it's two months after Jonny left and Patrick wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and he goes and spends the night at Seabs' house. 

 

It's three months later and Patrick is pulling on his pads when he looks to his left to tell Jonny that he picked up the newspaper this morning when he remembers that Jonny's not there, and that his locker is empty and the words hang on Patrick's lips for a few seconds before he bites them back and swallows them down and tries to forget.

But sometimes Patrick can't forget and he sits outside and he reads Jonny's favorite book and tries to imagine what was going on in Jonny's mind when he was reading this and what Jonny was thinking and did this character remind Jonny of Patrick and then Patrick puts the book down and closes his eyes for a little while.

 

It's Jonny's birthday and the cup of coffee Patrick prepares for him goes cold.

 

It's 2am and Patrick calls Sharpy over to his house and Sharpy helps Patrick to clean out Jonny's closet and they throw out all the junk and after Sharpy leaves Patrick falls asleep on the carpeted bedroom floor on a pile of Jonny's old t-shirts while wearing Jonny's old jersey.

 

It's Saturday and Patrick's getting ready for the game and the smell of aftershave and evergreens and freshly mown lawns makes his heart ache. 

And the next day he goes to see Jonny's mom and she gives him three freshly-baked pies and a hug and a kiss on each cheek. 

And suddenly he wakes up one morning and he sings one of Jonny's favorite songs in the shower and tries out Jonny's special omelette recipe and he rests his head on Jonny's old pillow while he watches Jonny's favorite television shows that he recorded on the dvr ages ago.

And Jonny hid an anniversary present in the hallway closet that Patrick finds and he cries for a little while.

And then he takes his wedding ring off his finger and strings it on a thin gold chain and puts it around his neck and Sharpy notices the tan line on his left index finger but he doesn't say anything. 

 

And one day Patrick thinks about Jonny's eyes and jokes and love and he doesn't cry one little bit. 

And Patrick smiles when he hears Jonny's name and hears Jonny's laugh in every word he speaks and sees Jonny's sparkle in the eyes of everyone he sees and Patrick makes one cup of coffee instead of two and sleeps on alternating sides of the bed and hey, he discovers, it doesn't feel too bad.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> my endings suck I'm sorry


End file.
